I started practicing meditation again, regularly. Because practice scares me as a commitment (meaning, I treat it as something that I should do, and not necessarily something that I want or choose to do) — I start small, with 10 or 15 minute sessions. Mostly ten minute ones. And because I have access to Headspace, I go with their pro levels, of which there are eight ten-day courses.

From experience, I know a few things. First, that I need at least twenty minutes to get to the deeper levels of my practice. Not even that — these first 15-20 minutes are simply to calm the mind. It means that with shorter sessions, that are simpler for me to commit to, I don’t get to the place where my meditation matters. Like with running, my pace only settles in after the first seven or eight minutes. That means, running for just one kilometer is pointless. That’s why, as soon as I figured it out, I didn’t stop after getting through the hard part — I kept on running at a comfortable pace.

When I sit zazen, the first minutes are there to set the pace of the mind, to start grasping suchness, to calm down the monkey mind.

Next, I know that I can’t do guided meditations for a long time. They are good to start with, and to get into the habit. In addition to guided “courses”, I also use unguided sessions either on Headspace or on Oura. Eventually, I think I will get to longer sessions. Headspace has the don’t-break-the-chain motivation built in. However I scoff at the concept, because it’s not a “real” motivation after all, it works. You want to see 19 days turn into 20, and when you hit three digits, how do you stop? This is your pride and medals and sticker collection. But, say, I do 30 or 60 minute meditations daily, unguided ones. If I had to pay for a Headspace subscription, would I? No. Because unguided meditations are just a timer and a streak count, inside a specialized app. Hopefully, by the time someone builds a strong practice, they achieve levels of clarity where streaks don’t matter even as a fun toy.

Now, I’m not saying that Headspace, Waking Up, Calm, Oak and the like are useless. But they don’t get me far. They can get me to the starting line, but then — I don’t know. A timer. Better yet, a dojo, and a master to guide you further, where I wouldn’t be able to get by myself.

I’ve been thinking about meditation and its “goals” a lot lately, and even attempted to write about it. How and why to meditate? Clear purpose, clear intention, no additional dingling of baby rattles in the form of specialized apps. Especially none that focus on meditation as something like a collagen treatment for the skin, to improve whatever collagen is capable of improving.

Truth be told, I still have to empty my own cup.