Backpack obsession and organizing mania

My twenties were in a lot of ways about optimizing. I wanted to organize and reorganize. I could say, this was one of my themes since childhood. I wanted some sort of order, my own, something that would increase my comfort. It was also the time of productivity and lifehack blogs sprouting like mushrooms, it was easy to fall into this kind of religion — you improve, optimize, get things done, et voila, you are the winner. Sometimes, I have to admit, overattention to organizing does the reverse — it keeps you busy without much outcome. Form over matter. In any case, that’s where my writing about the things that make you feel at home come from — this particularity about some things that matter to me.

I haven’t felt a sharp need to organize in a while. Or, at least, I made small incremental improvements as I went, but I wasn’t spending so much time thinking about it. Until last week.

My good old Herschel backpack was getting less good and more old. And I started looking for a new one. I initially thought that I’d replace it with maybe a different color, and that’s all. But then, I thought, I often carry not even one but two water bottles with me (my own and my kid’s). It would be much more comfortable to have a backpack with at least one external bottle pocket. A simple request. And here’s where it all started. After a while, I was researching camera bags, external carry, learning a new abbreviation of EDC (not ‘eau de cologne’, but ‘everyday carry’), going as far as creating a comparison table of the backpacks that got into my shortlist.

Luckily, this project has been short, albeit intense. My research was good, but not too extensive. I looked into a few options, removed the ones that I didn’t like visually and chose from the ones that had the most features that mattered the most to me. I found something that looks like my ideal backpack, and ordered it. If it blows my mind as much in use as it did in its description, I might write about it sometime.

What do I want to say with this writing? I don’t know.

Maybe I want to share my surprise and excitement of finding a whole new realm of daily backpacks with enhancements and features. Technology isn’t limited to electronics and such, one can also find advancements in clothing and in everyday objects and in almost every sphere of life. Maybe I want to admire industrial design in its many forms. (I re-watched Objectified documentary about a year ago, when Hustwit made his films available for free when pandemics started). It’s impossible to notice all the changes that happen in the world, but everything moves on, and improves drastically. You have so many more options that what you think the defaults are.

Maybe I want to think about how you can choose between complexity (a space rocket of a backpack) and simplicity (a canvas bag with just one feature, being a bag) — and you can be happy with either of them. Depends on you.

Maybe I want to say that it all doesn’t even matter, and yet, there are so many games to play, if you want and can afford. You can pay attention to some things and disregard others. Your life, your games. Organic food or it doesn’t really matter? Latest phone model or whatever has internet? Obsessing over things is okay, I guess — as long as it’s something that doesn’t harm you or others and that you enjoy.

A few backpacks to get you started on this slippery slope if you’re curious about what I was looking at:

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Carrying my home with me

Monday morning. I’m looking at people on the street, in the middle of what I think is their daily routine. People getting their morning coffee. A young dad with a toddler in a stroller, very leisurely looking. A girl with a yoga mat heading to, or from, her (socially distanced, appropriate) practice. I feel joy with a pang of envy looking at them. The others’ outside tells me that they are enjoying their morning habits, while my inside asks me, “why haven’t taken your longboard with you so that you could practice during your lunch break?”

I’m a creature of habit. I find comfort in the things that are familiar. Love my routines. Love my comfort zone. It’s about something different than never pushing myself out of it — the longboard is one of the things I’m currently exploring, way beyond my comfort zone; and trust me, it is definitely uncomfortable when I can’t brake. Yet, I have to admit, the simple routines — knowing that now it’s time to get dressed and go, now you have time for reading and making yourself a cup of tea, and now you have to dive deep into work — this kind of familiarity is essential to me.

I think of my young daughter and how her behavior deteriorated on one weekend trip when she was three. We drove to Dresden, and gosh that was tough! She was never happy, always fighting with everything. Acting out, refusing to eat anything (but ice cream and chocolate, which “is not food”), saying (more like screaming) “NO” to everything we offer. Even the playgrounds didn’t help for long — on the pretence of lacking trampolines. Spoiled little brat, in other words… Then we get back home to Berlin, and — fingers crossed it lasts — the gremlin is gone and the girl is back into her more adequate self.
All the while, I have to question myself. This disobedience was likely not a sign of a poor upbringing, rudeness and obnoxiousness, but a response to the changed environment. Just a certain sensitivity and lack of control because she found herself in an unfamiliar place. The first thing she did when she got home? Played with all of her toys. Ah, the relaxation of being at home, surrounded by habitual things. No need to fight anymore.

For sure having the elements of one’s routines around is comforting. (That’s why, for example, I often take my tea set on my travels.) But also, finding joy and comfort in the things that you do often, looking forward to them in your habitual, daily life, is crucial. Especially emphasized by the lockdown, I suppose. Sometimes our response to the unknown is like the toned down version of a toddler temper tantrum. We can fight something just because our need to feel secure outweighs the curiosity of exploration. In such situations, having something familiar at your hands, a piece of your daily that you can resort to helps to ground you up in your day, and to deal with the “chaos” around you.

Some of such things that I have are:
1. Notebook. A physical notebook is good, and I often (but not always) carry it on me. If not, then notes — on phone or tablet. This is also a place to go to. Yet, recently I got a little notebook in addition to a bigger one, so that I can carry it around and use anytime I need a mind cleanse.
2. Tea. On trips, I prefer to have a small travel-sized teapot/cup combination with me, and a thermos tumbler to keep water hot. And one or two sorts of tea. This helps me to slow down when needed, and even in a hotel room, make a good cup of tea. When going on a long walk (an approximation of travel that we now can afford), normally there’s also some tea in the thermo bottle.
3. Music. I have to admit, I resort to reading more than to music lately. Yet, for as long as I can remember myself, from childhood, whenever I didn’t have access to music, I was starting to feel uncomfortable very quick.

I don’t know if there’s anything else that I need to make myself feel “at home” — meaning, peaceful and more of myself. But these for sure are my essentials. Doesn’t mean that I always have them with me or even if I do, I always use them. These are just a few hooks that I can use throughout the day to feel better.

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Potentially anything — notes on running and having potential

I’ve been getting into running in the past few weeks. I was starting to run a number of times since last fall, and either it was too cold, or I pushed myself too much, and got exhausted after a minute or two. About a week or so ago, I started running with my phone, and Nike Running Club app, and that’s when I was able to pick up my pace.

The following are my notes after completing the “first run” with NRC. This will not be strictly about running, although as you can see I’m pretty exhilarated by my new discoveries.

I did the “first run” with Nike Running Club app and the “built-in” coach Bennett. Wow, what can I say, it was unexpectedly fantastic. The fantastic part of it being that I could run for twenty minutes without getting out of breath. Although it’s technically not my first run, it still feels like level zero. I ran at the recommended too-easy pace, which ultimately increased my average pace from the one time before when I tracked my run. I didn’t, before. I didn’t want it to feel like a competition yet, I just wanted to enjoy the movement. However, the guidance actually led to better results, and hopefully a better technique in running.

My post-run thoughts, filled with excitement and a bit of pride, were around the word “potential.” How I haven’t felt like I had potential — in anything — in a while. I never thought of myself as someone who would be good at sports. Now, influenced by my morning run, I feel powerful. Able. With potential.

“Not my thing” is being replaced by “I’m actually enjoying it”. And the potential that I’m feeling right now is less about a specific kind of physical achievement, like being able to run a marathon, and much more about potential for enjoying the physical activity. Today’s run was pleasant. It was joyful. It was relaxed. It was — easy, and comfortable.

I missed having potential.

This last sentence stuck with me.

“Potential” is such a young word. The more time you have ahead of you, the less you developed and established yourself in one thing, the more potential you have. As you grow older and gain the eponymous life experience, the more you can feel potential fading away. It develops into skills, or talent, or both, in a few spheres — and drops, naturally, in the rest. You trade your potential for something more tangible, and you cut off some hypothetical roads to build a few real ones.

Whether you feel like you have fully or sufficiently realized your potential in something or not, the sense of having this storage of possibilities is diminishing. Being young, we naturally tap into new territories, because so much is new and so little has already been claimed as ours.

One of, and maybe the biggest appeal of traveling is uncovering fresh potential, venturing out of the constraints of our daily lives and into something else, that could have been ours, if we were born differently or if we wanted to make our home elsewhere. That’s why it’s difficult to endure lockdowns during the pandemic: because our daily activities are limited more than ever before. And even if you’re comfortable with your daily life, there’s less sense of potentiality.

We measure our capacity by seeing new horizons, often by pushing ourself out of the comfort zone, or by being curious about something that hasn’t got our attention before. When we start something new, or see a way to develop a skill or knowledge further, we get excited, it starts getting fun. And eventually, we can think about ourselves in new terms.

I have never thought of myself as “athletic”. Even less so a runner. But when I’m running, that’s what I am — a runner. Whether it’s my first or my fourth run (that I completed a few hours ago). Something that I thought of previously as “not my thing” is becoming a source of joy, energy and some kind of pride for me. This is one of the unexpected places for me where I feel I’m at the starting line (almost too literal to be a metaphor), and have a way ahead of me to look forward to.

Having only recently written about the need to build defences against social narratives, I am aware that I might be sounding now as if I’m preaching for running. In reality: I don’t think everyone should do it; I don’t think I’m even nearly “there yet”, to be talking from a point of view of someone who knows stuff or has achieved anything in running. The only thing that I can claim as an understanding (and hence, an achievement) is the power of potential, and the curiosity about either a completely new activity or interest, or a new cycle of something that you have already claimed as “yours”. It’s important. It’s what makes you feel young and, synonymously, alive.

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Playing with curiosity

I was playing chess today… So that you know, I’m a lousy chess player, I know the rules, but I never could play well, I never think through moves beyond the one I’m making, with its immediate implications. Being one of those people who never play consistently, only for a few months a long time ago as a kid, and then never again for years, I am far from considering myself even an amateur chess player. This is to give you a background into where I am in terms of chess.

I was playing chess today, as something interesting happened. I realized that somewhere along the road my paradigm shifted. Before, I would want to win; even when I thought I wouldn’t be able to, I still would have my mind set on the concept of playing to win. Now, the way I was making my moves, was to see what would come out. How far I can get, how risky I can play it. After all, not every game needs to be won. The one I played today (I lost), was about research and investigation. And — it was a far better game (by “better” I mean more interesting for me) than most of the games I play.

When you approach something with a mindset other than winning/failing, there is less stress, no pressure to win. It’s not your ultimate game of chess. It’s not your ultimate move that defines your life (I’m not talking about chess anymore, but almost anything in life). In a safe environment, it’s better to be grounded in exploration rather than winning. Curiosity is a far interesting field to play.

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Defences against social narratives

There are too many conflicting social narratives that we have to deal with today. We are faced with them, and we have to figure out how not to keep our own head and not get too anxious.

Like, body positivity vs healthy lifestyle. Yes, right, don’t even start telling me they are not opposed. They are, yet they aren’t, and then they still are. I’m a little too tired of how everyone all of a sudden starts parading plus-size models just as a means to get “plus points” in their own image. And right alongside, the pressure from the images of “fitness models”, about how gluten-free, or intuitive eating, or intermittent fasting, is something that you absolutely should do. And of course, written or not, under “this is healthy for you” is also a narrative about “losing the weight”. Until you hit anorexia or bulimia, then it’s bad, and then “keep a positive image of your body”. I think that this starts to be an issue of mental health much earlier than the eating disorders glimpse through. It’s mental health from the very beginning. It’s mental that we have to put extra stress on the plus-size models. It’s mental that we obsess over eating, or not eating. Alarms, news, and a newly sprouted cohort of dieticians. Obesity soars worldwide (and in the U.S., of course). The things we eat now vs the things “we” ate in the Paleolithic age. Oh come on! Ketosis for everyone!

I want to un-read, un-hear and un-know so many things about food, and health, and dieting right now, before my head explodes. Isn’t this the only way to actual health? To not know any of this, but the simple basics: eat everything in moderation, veggies and fruit are good for you; and also, keep active. That’s it. Exercise and a variety of food, most of it plant-based.

How do we stay away from all the news buzz, though? How do we teach ourself not to care about the latest narrative in the media? Or, considering that exposure is inevitable, how do we not let ourselves be impacted by it so much? I want to exercise for the fun of it, or for my own competitive interest, and not out of anxiety of gaining weight. I realized that only when I exercise and get sufficient sleep, I am not sluggish and tired by midday. So here, that’s my only motivation.

Do you want to know what my narrative and agenda is at this time?

  • Nourishing my bonsai tree to health. It shed almost all its leaves in an accident about a month ago, and it‘s infested. I‘m trying to get it back to health, to survive until it gets repotted later this year. It gets a lot of my attention. I like watching it sprout new leaves, and now even some early bloom.
  • Learning languages. There is some external pressure mixed with anxiety and guilt about not speaking the language of the country I live in fluently. But I‘m getting there, I‘m learning.
  • Writing. Writing as a pleasure. As a meditation of sorts. But also, as getting something out and completed. Writing in the blog format has not gotten traction yet. Maybe I should set myself of a schedule, or do another challenge devoted to blog writing. We‘ll see.

A bunch of other things, too. Anyway, I realized, that I don‘t want to be too involved in the narrative of weight and health and body images — positive or negative. Eating — I‘m very interested in eating. But in the delicious side of it, and in making sure that I don‘t overeat because I believe that food should make me happy while I‘m making it, while I‘m eating it, and after I have eaten, too. Politics, I simply just don‘t want to talk about it. Not interested. Not my agenda.

Because we as a generation are getting so much exposed to media in so many forms, I feel we need to build “defence mechanisms”, otherwise we’ll drown in anxiety. And that’s all, folks. My best defence mechanism so far is a notebook and a pen, or keyboard and a simple writing app. Everyone needs their own nook of sanity.

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Mixing Interfaces

The most confusing experience comes from switching between different interfaces and input modes. I was working on a few little things at the same time, not in a focused mode, jumping from one to another.

What I had in front of me at the same time:

1. Notebook and a pen

2. MacBook

3. iPad + keyboard

A few things I was faced with:

– You can’t scroll a notebook page

– You can’t tap on the link on a MacBook (at least, the one that I have)

– Moving my finger on a desk space below the standalone keyboard (that I use with iPad) doesn’t work. (There’s no trackpad there)

Advice, kids: don’t do a million things at once.

Does the brain just gets confused, I wonder, or grows plasticity?

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The need to be festive

Why does someone have a need to “feel festive”? Where does this expectation come from, to dress up, and have fun, and be joyful? We know, we know. The social norms, the marketing, the traditions remixed by marketing. Yet, I found myself asking this, on a Christmas Eve, after getting dressed up (meaning out of my leggings and hoodie), dabbing a bit of perfume on my wrists, and making my hair to “go out”, which essentially meant to the bookstore, the only open non-grocery store.

I definitely didn’t have to impress anyone with my looks, now even less, with social contacts being minimized and all. What made me feel the need to dress up? Why look around for the symbols of the festivities? Why the sadness about the lack of decorations and happy (maybe slightly drunk) faces? After all, I have never been a huge fan of Christmas, or particularly needing ugly sweaters, tons of mulled wine, Frank Sinatra or other attributes. I wasn’t against them as such, just not paying too much attention. And generally, I don’t feel like I haven’t had festive moments lately. Just maybe not on-cue ones.

Perhaps, it’s the social animal in me — the extroverted part that lives alongside the caved introvert — that wants to mingle with people, that’s very much looking forward to the post-lockdown times when we can all go to concerts and rub shoulders with others literally. Perhaps, holidays like Christmas have their social aspect both in the much-feared family reunions, and in the the town festivities like Christmas markets where you can just be among people. For someone like me, who likes and needs solitude to live and breathe, it’s also strange to find an extroverted slice of my soul that is suddenly craving the atmosphere, the holiday crowd.

I’m wondering if, when we all can go out and gather on the streets, and mingle, if the fashion is going to take a turn toward the more festive, the more crazy one. Sequins, colors, crazy hatter fashion — just because we have lounged in our sweatpants for too long. Another possibility is that loungewear will have become so much the norm by then, that we won’t be likely to exchange for anything more luxurious yet less comfortable. Wear only something you wouldn’t mind sleeping in. Time will tell. So far, the only clothes I bought were sports, lounge, and a long sleeveless dress in hope of the future in which I have somewhere to wear it.

Is there going to be a replacement for being in a noisy bar, or at a rock concert?

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Challenges instead of resolutions: Swapping pressure for fun

In December, I was looking at patterns that work for me, and those that don’t (or lack of patterns, actually). In other words, I was trying to find a way to consistency in what I do. Replacement of willpower — as I found myself again and again facing the fact that I set out with an intention, and didn’t follow through. This blog would be one of such cases, actually. I started it with the sole idea of “I want to write more”, and I didn’t write more. I started it after not being able to come up with a clear plan or goal in mind, I just wanted to give myself some space where I could write. There are other examples too, which I won’t bore you with. The usual things, maybe not too important or not too big, the things that I wanted to do, and didn’t. That didn’t stick.

And yet, there are other things, where I’m good at. Or different settings that enable that consistency. I was quite haughty about the concept of 30-day challenge. Like, I’m not that person who resorts to these measures, I’m better than that. Yeah, I’m not. Actually, I tried 30 (or insert-your-number) day challenges a lot of times, when I was feeling as a beginner in something. As soon as I was past that newbie feeling, I thought that I should be able to do better than that. Not exercise, or meditate, or not eat sugar, or (insert your usual suspects here) for the sake of numbers and putting checks in boxes.

You know what? Looking back, I figured out two things:

One. 30-day challenges, even with corny printouts and physically crossing out the days, they work. Yes, they can be crutches, but also, they are simple, visual, and kinda-dorky-kinda-fun. In November-December, I did this pushup challenge, and I was quite happy with my results. I did it just for fun, because I thought it would be interesting to do — and it was.

Two. Don’t try and do everything at the same time. This is a simple thing that, hopefully, everybody knows. Pick one thing to focus on, and do it. Not five things, even when you have fifty things on your list of habits to build or challenges to take.

For this year, as usual, I’m not doing any New Year resolutions, but I’m going to try monthly challenges for myself. Swapping pressure (resolutions) for fun (challenges). On the last day of the month, I’m going to think of a challenge to do the next month, and I’m going to do it for the whole month. On the months that have 31 days, I might take the last day off, or do 31 days. In February, sorry, it’s going to be 28 days.

If you’re interested, for January I have two things, one that I want to do and one that I don’t want to do:
– Write with a pen and paper every day. Nothing specific, just a scribbling type of activity that has the value in the process itself rather than in the result. I don’t even have an aim in mind, will see where it gets me.
– Don’t drink coffee. I’m not a big coffee drinker anyway, I’m focused on tea. So this shouldn’t be difficult, I only need to remember when I have an option to get a coffee — not to do it.

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Good music from 2020

I used to be a huge fan of different lists. This one is not sorted, by alphabet, by better to (less better), or by any other principle. It’s just the music that especially got my attention and was released in 2020.

  • Oneohtrix Point Never – Magic Oneohtrix Point Never (Warp)
  • Planet Battagon – Trans-Neptunia (On The Corner)
  • The 1975 – Notes On A Conditional Form (Dirty Hit/Interscope)
  • Yves Tumor – Heaven to a Tortured Mind (Warp)
  • Nicolas Jaar – Cenizas (Other People)
  • Deerhoof – Future Teenage Cave Artists (Joyful Noise)
  • Ólafur Arnalds – some kind of peace (Mercury KX)
  • SAULT – Untitled (Forever Living Originals)
  • Kettel – Dwingeloo Life Extension (Kettel music)
  • Porridge Radio – Every Bad (Secretly Canadian)
  • Nils Frahm – Tripping with Nils Frahm (Erased Tapes)
  • Autechre – SIGN (Warp)
  • Autechre – PLUS (Warp)
  • Fontaines D.C. – A Hero’s Death (Partisan)
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Tea: Japanese black: P&T Kyoto Red No 921

My Notes

2020/12/20

This is wakoucha, which literally translates as “red tea”. First time I’m tasting Japanese red (black) tea.

Astringency is low, the taste is very mild. I didn’t taste chocolate this time, but the earthy-woody-yet-smooth taste won over my heart. This is nothing like Indian Assam or Ceylon tea, the “blackness” is there, but also something very different, much milder and with a different aroma.

From P&T Site:

A rolled japanese black tea

A special and rare treat, Japanese “red tea”, or Wakoucha, is a form of black tea produced in small quantities using native cultivars. Compared to more familiar black tea varieties, Wakoucha is mellow, with little astringency, and some malty sweetness with hints of chocolate.

TASTING NOTES
chocolate, fresh pine, malty

Quantity: 2 tsp / 250 ml
Temperature: 90° C / 195° F
Time:
1st infusion 60 sec.
2nd infusion 40 sec.
3rd infusion 90 sec.

BACKGROUND KNOWLEDGE
In a region famed for its green teas, its black teas are magnificent in their own right. As thus, we sought one of these teas for our latest limited harvest. Black teas hailing from this part of Japan are particularly recherché, a product of different cultivars than those found in India or China. These teas are known as Wakoucha. They typically maintain the earthy, sweet flair of black tea, while also retaining a delicate flavor with little astringency. The beauty of Wakoucha’s rolled leaves are second only to the resplendent amber colour they produce. To drink this tea is to experience hints of chocolate and woodyness with a sweet malty finish; exactly what you’d want from a high quality black tea.

Links

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